The sound of drawers and footsteps shuffling around woke you up. Opening your eyes, you squint from the light of the sun coming through your window to see your Old Lady shoving clothes into a suitcase. Confused, you rub your eyes to make sure you’re seeing clearly.

 

“What’re you doing?” You ask in a deep sleep ridden voice.

Jen froze, but only for a moment, before she continued going through her dresser and pulling out another pile of shirts. She didn’t bother to look at you as she moved swiftly from the dresser to her suitcase, rolling up the shirts before shoving them in.

 

“I’m leaving, Herman. I can’t live like this no more.”

 

You lifted up on your elbows, not taking her to seriously at first. “Leaving? Leaving where?”

 

“Back home to Tacoma. I had a life there. I had friends. My own place! My man didn’t cheat on me with whores we practically live with!”
She threw her arm out towards the door talking about the croweaters outside. You sighed and ran your hands over your face. It was always the same argument with her. You never cheated on her with these bitches but she was so hellbent on finding a reason to leave that you wondered why you even kept her around.

 

“I don’t need this, Herman! You weren’t the only egg in my basket when I met you – now look what you’ve turned me into! All I do is waste my days away while you’re doing god knows what! You come back with bullet wounds, scrapes, cuts, stab wounds. Your crazy ass club is running guns. What am I supposed to do with that!”

 

“Jen.” You say finally getting out of the bed. Pulling on your sweatpants, you walk over to her side and grab her hands in yours. “Babe. This ain’t nothing new to you. We did this same shit in Tacoma.”

 

“I had friends there, Kozik. I had people I could talk to outside of your goddamn club! The only person I can talk to here that isn’t full of themselves is Natalie. She’s a sweetheart but the poor girl’s like a zombie since her Old Man got killed. I’m not going to wait around for that to be me! Tara and Donna are always running around after their kids or fighting with Jax and Ope. Gemma thinks she’s the queen of the goddamn biker kingdom. I’m not living like this.”

 

Sighing, you shook your head and went to the bathroom to take a leak. She’d get over it eventually. This happened once a month where you wouldn’t pay her the right amount of attention and she’d flip out. This woman couldn’t get enough fucking attention. You could spend an entire day with her and she’d still complain if you didn’t hold her while you slept.

 

The sound of a zipper and the door opening caught your attention and you lifted your sweats back up before walking into the room.

 
“Jen?”

 

Shit. This can’t be fucking happening right now.

 

“Jen!”

 

You call out as you run out after her. It was pretty early so the clubhouse but a few club members were already scattered around.

 

“Jen! You ain’t fucking going nowhere!”

 

You chase her outside but she’s already in a cab and pulling out of the lot. It was way too goddamn early for this bullshit. How could she actually leave!? That bitch! Throwing your hands on your head, you let out an irritated yell catching the attention of most of the garage employees but you didn’t care.

 

You just kept staring at the entrance to the lot that she’d just disappeared from before you saw another car enter and Natalie came out of it. Poor girl, she looked like shit today. Since the day you and Jax had to pull her off the roof, she’d been pretty quiet, almost mute most of the time but she always looked put together. Today you could see the tear glazed eyes from halfway across the lot as you watched her take off her shirt, leaving her in only a white tank top, exposing the black lace of her bra underneath. Despite your problems you felt the urge to go over there and check up on her but decided to give her some space.

 

You were close with Lucah. He was a good man and an even better brother. When he brought Natalie to the club, we knew she was something special. She fit in right away and everyone loved her. Jen was right though, ever since Lucah passed, she’d been like a zombie. Barely spoke to anyone. Just kept to herself and spoke when spoken to. She’d become just a shell of the vivacious ball of energy she once was. It was a damn shame. Not just for her but for her kid.

 

You watched as she walked into the office of TM before you walked back inside the clubhouse, taking a seat at the bar next to Jax and Bobby, telling the prospect to fill you up a shot of whiskey.

 

“Rough morning?”

 

Gemma asked as she came through the doors.

 

You lifted your head slightly to acknowledge get before lowering it again, staring at the cup in your hand.

 

“You could say that.” You answer, downing the drink in hand. “Jen left. Said she’s done.”

 

“I knew that bitch wasn’t cut out for this.” Gemma shrugged, walking behind the bar to grab windex and a towel. “Told you from day one.”

 

Gemma considered herself the best when it came to sniffing of good old ladies. She’d give them all a hard time until they’d either break or hold their ground. Jen had broken but insisted she’d be fine because she loved him. Guess that was just bullshit.

 

“What’re you doing, mom?” Jax asked as he saw her rummaging under the sink for more cleaning supplies.

 

“I figured I’d clean up the office today, stay out of Natalie way.

 

“I saw her come in, looked like she was crying.” You told them. “What’s going on?”

 

Gemma stood after she grabbed the supplies she was looking for. “Today’s the two year anniversary of her old man’s death. She just needs some space. Y’all be nice.” She pointed her finger at the group before walking back out.

 

“To Lucah.” Bobby poured a bit of his beer out onto the ground.

 

“To Lucah.” You and Jax both raised your glasses.

 

“May we find an old lady who loves us half as much as his.” Bobby added.

 

“I’ll drink to that.” Jax raised his glass again.

 

“What’s going on with you?” You asked after it finally hit you that he was drinking this early too.

 

“Tara man. She got offered this position in Oregon, wants to move.”

 

He had hung his head low. You could see his dilemma. Tara was a surgeon, had two kids, she could have a much better life than this. Jax on the other hand, only knew how to do one thing. He had been born and breed SAMCRO. From his dad to his step dad to his mom and even his uncle. This was all that he knew.

 

After your stint in the army, this had been all that you knew too. How could Jen ask you to leave all of this? You had been nothing but honest with her about who you were from the beginning. How did these women not understand that? They knew what they were getting themselves into. It wasn’t like we tricked them in anyway.

 

We’ll Jen can stay gone this time. You were done chasing after her and her bullshit. If she couldn’t love the club, she couldn’t love you. Simple as that.

 

---

 

 

You had woken up painstakingly slow today, already drowning in your own tears by the time you’d opened your eyes. You had felt his presence in the room with you, more so today than any other, making it hard to even drag yourself out of bed. If it had been up to you, you would’ve hid under the covers all day, loathing your life without him there, but your screaming toddler had other plans.

 

Two years had gone by and the pain of losing Lucah hadn’t eased. The man you thought to be so solid and strong, taken out by a bullet to the heart. Nobody saw it coming. You were well aware of the dangers that came with this life. You’d comforted many other women over the losses of their men. And even though you were terrified every time he walked out of those doors, you never thought that it would happen to you or him.

 

You knew there would be no point in calling out today. Gemma would make you come anyway instead of letting you wallow in your own self pity. She was a firm believer in being strong. These men were big but they were nothing without a strong old lady behind them – she’d say. Well it was bullshit. You had been as strong and supportive as could be and he was still taken out. Now you were the one left to pick up all of the pieces and raise your beautiful baby boy who would never know his father.

 

Slowly getting out of bed, you walked to Levi’s room and lifted him out of his crib, gently placing a kiss on his forehead to calm him down. After changing his diaper and pulling on a fresh pair of clothes, you walked to the kitchen and put him in the high chair while you got his food ready. You smiled at his resemblance to his father as you fed him slowly while he watched cartoons on the mini ipad you had bought. As he got older, it had gotten hard and harder to keep control of him, especially since he’d started crawling, but this always did the trick. Once he was fed and clean, you put him back in his crib with a few toys and his ipad so you could shower. It wasn’t easy getting things done when you were a single parent but you were proud of the routine you had. It would take you 10 minutes tops to shower and another 15 to get ready in the morning before you were out the door and on your way to St. Thomas.

 

Jax’s son had been enrolled in the daycare there. She had insisted on having Levi there too. It made it easier for Tara to check in on them. Levi and Abel were inseparable since they were so close in age and they were both really social kids so it worked out well. Then when Tara got out, she brought the boys to the shop where they could play until you got off work.

 

After dropping him off, you had taken the long way to work, desperately avoiding having to deal with people. By the time you pulled in, you realized that your blue work button up had been soaked with tears.

 

“Shit.”

 

You whisper, banging your hands on the steering wheel before you step out of the car. Kicking the door shut behind you you unbutton the shirt and take it off, leaving you in only a pair of ripped jeans and a white tank top as you crossed the lot into the office. You walked into the bathroom to dry it with the hand dryer before walking back to the office and clocking in.

 

It seemed like a slow day for the time being, no new appointments scheduled, minimum staff to deal with. It would be okay. You just had to get through this like any other day.

 

“Hey sweetheart.” Gemma smiled as she entered the office.

 

“Hey.”

 

You give a polite nod as you stare blankly at the screen. You didn’t mean to be rude, but you really didn’t want to talk to her, or anyone for that matter, today.

 

“You doin’ okay?” She asked, stepping in to place a hand on your shoulder.

 

“Yeah.”

 

You nodded, fighting back tears from streaming down your face again. Instead you focused everything you could on pretending to read an email on the screen. Gemma seemed to take the hint and left for a little while. She returned to the office with cleaning supplies and started mopping the floor around you as well as dusting the surfaces. You could tell the silence was killing her once she started cleaning the same spot on the window over and over again but you ignored it.

 

“Well, Jen left Kozik this morning. I knew that bitch wasn’t meant for this. Kozik’s been moping around all day.”

 

Jen, like most women that get involved with a member, thought she’d get her fairy-tale ending. She thought she would fall for the bad boy, make him change his ways for her, and they’d ride off into the sunset. They always underestimate the commitment these men had to the club.

 

She seemed different at first. Tried to integrate herself into the lifestyle. She’s stuck around for a few years. The two got their names tattooed on each other. Kozik had her’s scripted across his neck, she got his crow on her lower back but like the others, once she saw what the club was all about, she made sure to distance herself.

 
“She tried.” You mumbled.

 

“No she didn’t. She had one foot in and one out this whole time.” Gemma scoffed.

 

The two of them fighting wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, lately they couldn’t be in the same room without a fight going off. It was no surprise to anyone that she’d made up her mind and left.

 

All of this seemed so mundane to you, especially today. Since Lucah’s death, nothing seemed to phase you. Even though there was never a dull moment with the MC, your days just went by in a haze. You were known for your strength and perseverance with the club but it was easy to stay strong when you didn’t care. You often found yourself thinking that you were a bad mother to Levi, simply for the fact that you couldn’t be there with him, in the moment. You loved your son more than anything in the world, but he was a reminder of the family that you lost. He’d never know his father. You’d never see the kind of father Lucah would have been, but in your heart you knew he’d be the best. It was shitty of you to say, but Levi deserved so much more than you could give.

 

Some days, you wondered why you stuck around. Despite everything they had done to make sure you were okay, there would always be that resentment that they were the reason you’d lost your husband. To them he was one of the countless other members who had shed blood in the name of SAMCRO but to you, he was your whole life. You should’ve packed your bags and left, but you could never bring yourself to it. The club made you feel closer to him. The smell of leather, the booze, the roaring of bikes. This was Lucah. This was his home – his family.

 

“Hey.” Gemma snapped her fingers. “You still with me?”

 

You looked up at her and nodded quietly.

 

“Yeah, sorry.”

 

You lowered your gaze back to the task at hand and Gemma left again.

 

The rest of the shift went on the same way. Everyone came up to offer their condolences again but would leave when you weren’t in a chatty mood. All you wanted to do was get through this shift so you spent the rest of the day managing paperwork and taking care of any invoices you could get your hands on in order to appear busy until closing time.

 

Once all the employees left, you locked up and made your way to the clubhouse, grabbing a beer behind the bar. Most of the guys were gone on a run. Gemma had errands and Tig was damn near fucking someone on the couch and a few croweaters were cleaning the place.

 

Your eyes crossed Lucah’s mugshot and you could relive that day as if it was yesterday. It was the beginning of the end for you. You could practically hear Jax’s voice over the phone telling you that he’d been arrested. You could feel your stomach sinking the day of the hearing when you found out he’d be gone for almost 2 years. He ended up attacking someone inside for the club and a couple of months after his release, they retaliated and Lucah was gone.

 

It felt like the air was thickening inside of the clubhouse so you made your way to the roof. There you could get some peace and quiet while you looked out at the streets surrounding the building. Sounds of cars, sirens, horns all came together in a dull hum that could only be appreciated up here. You wrapped your arms around yourself, rubbing the chill from them as you stepped closer to the ledge.

 

2 years ago you’d almost ended your life. You’d almost ended your baby’s life. Even now as you looked out at the half full lot, you thought about jumping and putting yourself out of this misery. You could feel the pain from that day. Finding out you’re pregnant the same day you bury your husband wasn’t the way anyone saw their life going but it happened to you. Could you really do this for the rest of your life?

 

Your anxiety was causing you to hyperventilate as you looked out onto the edge. It was as if someone squeezed all the air from your lungs and held them shut.

 

“Jesus christ. you okay?”

 

You heard a voice behind you before large hands  grabbed your hips to pull you away from the edge. Turning around you looked to see Kozik. He brushed your hair back, much like he did that day and looked at you with concern.

 

“Yeah.”

 

You answered quietly as you pulled away from him.
“You gotta be careful out here, last time I caught you up here you weren’t in the best place.”

 

He reminded. You nodded your head and took a seat on the ground. He sat next to you and leaned back on his arms.

 

“I’m sorry about your Old Man.” He whispered.

 

“Don’t -”

 

“I can’t imagine how hard it must be.”

 

“Yeah, none of you can. If any of you really gave any fucks, they wouldn’t have gotten to him.”

 

Kozik sighed taking a moment to select his words carefully. “Listen, you can blame them club all you want but nobody forced him to do anything. He was a grown man. He knew what he was getting into. So did you.”

 

You lowered your eyes to the ground as you crossed your legs. Yeah, you knew the reality of it but that didn’t ease any of the pain. After a few moments of silence, you looked over at him.

 

“So how can you be upset with Jen for leaving?”

 

“What?” He asked, confusion written across his face.

 

“Jen. Can you blame her for wanting out after watching what we go through everyday? I’m sure Gemma and I aren’t the greatest examples of the luxurious old lady life and Tara keeps trying to pull Jax out at every turn.”

 

“You were the perfect example of an Old Lady.” He spoke up after a few seconds. “Not even Gemma held her old man down like you did. Lucah was a lucky man.”

 

You felt the tears burning your eyes again and lowered your head. Your loyalty always lied with Lucah but his was to the club, no matter what that did to your relationship.

 

“Shit. Don’t cry. I’m sorry.” Kozik slipped closer wrapping his arms around you.

 

Almost instinctively you fell into him, digging your face into his neck as the tears streamed down your face. His large hand ran up and down your back slowly, with no other intentions other than to comfort you. Simply holding you against him until the crying subsided. You realized this was the most you’ve spoken to Kozik, or anyone really, in quite some time. You’d spent so long closed off from the world but they hadn’t given up on you.

 

Pulling away slowly, you wiped the wetness from your cheeks, taking in a deep breath before looking back at him as he spoke again.

 

“It takes a special kind of woman to do what you do. Dealing with losing your husband, taking care of your kid, coming to work and not letting it ruin you. Lucah would be proud. Every one of us have been jealous of him at one point.”

 

It was weird hearing talk like this. He was usually sweet with you – holding doors open, checking up on you, but you knew it took a certain kind of man to be a sergeant at arms. He had a mean streak to him like most of the guys did but his was worse. Tig and him had a twisted sense of being where their consciences were irrelevant in their decisions. They were almost heartless in a way, but seeing him tonight, comforting you with genuine care and concern, opened your eyes to a different side of him.

 

“Thank you.” You whispered, wrapping your arms around his neck to hug him tightly.

 

His warm embrace was exactly what you needed at that moment. His strong arms wrapped tightly around you, letting you be as vulnerable as you hadn’t allowed yourself to be and it was nice.

 

You didn’t know if this would go anywhere or if you even wanted it to, but for now, you were just going to let yourself enjoy the comfort he offered.