“So,” she finally spoke up. “Start from the beginning.”
The words rang over and over in Jax’s head. From the beginning. Where the fuck was the beginning? Did he start back to his birth? To his father and Tara leaving? Or did he start when she came back and he had to kill a fed by she saved his son’s life so it was the least he could do. Did he tell her about the gun running? The porn business? The backhanded deals with other clubs? What about the brothers they’d lost? The blood they’d shed? Where was the beginning of his story.
He looked at Aubrey’s face, painted with curiosity and concern. She wasn’t going to let this go and right now at this very moment, he didn’t know if he wanted her to. With a deep breath in, he looked at her expectant face.
“What do you want to know?”
He could see her pondering the question. It clearly held weight for her. How much did she want to know? Was it his life story or just a summary. He picked at the label on his beer, peeling it off nervously as he waited for her to finally speak up.
“Jax, I want to know everything. Who were you?”
He sighed heavily but nodded. “I was born and raised in Charming, California. My father, John Teller, was president of the Sons of Anarchy motorcycle club.”
“The tattoo on your back…” She interrupted quietly, taking more to herself than to him.
“Yeah. He wanted the club to be about loyalty, brotherhood, but it grew into more. Eventually the club grew, charters formed all over the country, even one in Ireland. Things started going south when the club started running guns. Providing them to other clubs and gangs around that area. By then my brother Thomas had gotten sick. ‘The family flaw’ my mother called it. When he died, JT lost his way. Started taking more and more trips to Ireland where he started a whole new family. Gemma, my mom, she moved on with his best friend Clay. JT died when I was 16 and Clay married my mom and became president of the MC. After I got my GED, my I was patched in with my best friend Opie. Shit started getting worse a few years ago. My ex wife was a crank addict, she gave birth to my first son Abel. He was ten weeks premature. Had a hole in his heart and half a stomach but my high school sweetheart was a surgeon and helped save his life. We went through our share of fights. She always wanted me to leave the club…”
His eyes started to water and he had to take a minute to catch himself. This all needed to be said. Purged even. He’d been keeping it inside for so long he felt like he was going to explode. He couldn’t look her in the eyes. Any sense of judgment would break him, but the feel of her fingertips running up and down his arm seemed to show that there was none.
“I should’ve listened to her.” He began again after wiping his eyes. “Anyway, Abel got kidnapped by some crazy Irish guy and we had to go find him in Belfast. That’s how I found out about my dad’s second family. When I got back, I found out Tara was pregnant. We had the ATF on us at that time and got a 14 month sentence in Stockton. She had Thomas when I was in there. When I got out, I proposed. I never wanted to be part of that again. I never wanted to be away from my family again. I guess while I was in there, Tara got her hands on some letters from my dad saying my stepfather would be responsible for his death. Clay found out she had the letters and tried to have her killed by the cartel we were working with at the time. That’s when I became president. Got Clay locked up for a murder he didn’t commit then when he escaped, we killed him and an IRA king. I watched my best friend get beaten to death in front of me. My wife got arrested for allegedly being involved in the murder of a prison nurse and her psycho brother wanted revenge. She stopped talking to me after that. When she got out she faked a pregnancy and miscarriage so I would sign off my moms rights to the kids. The DA was on her ass to make a deal against me and the club. She tried to run with the boys but I caught her. After we made up, I was going to turn myself in in exchange for her freedom. I guess Gemma thought she ratted and…”
Jax paused. Unable to get the words out. All he could think about was the moment he walked into the kitchen to see her lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood. Tears filled his eyes again and he took a sip from his bottle before taking another deep shaky breath.
“When I got home to say goodbye, she was lying there on the kitchen floor. Blood was everywhere. A large pool around her head. We all thought this was a hit on the club. An attack on me. Gemma said it was the Chinese. Said she saw them scoping out my house when she drove by. It started an all out war. I saw red. From then on, everything was about getting revenge. I destroyed anything and everything that got in my way, we lost good men. Great men. When I found out it was my own mother, i lost it. I couldn’t understand why. Why she would do something like that, but despite everything – I knew what I had to do. It was who we were. She knew it. She was ready. I had to. For Tara.”
Her eyes widened and her small hand covered her mouth. He could only imagine what was going on through her mind. She hated him. Thought he was the devil himself and he wouldn’t blame her.
“Where are your boys Jax?”
The question caught him by surprise. Out of all the things she could have questioned. “I couldn’t stay there after killing Gemma. I gave up my patch. I sold my house, transfered all my money to my ex wife and my mother’s boyfriend Nero. She’d straightened out her life, got to know the boys. And Nero- he was a great guy. Had his properties straight. They’re with him at his uncle’s farm. I wanted Wendy to make sure my boys knew I was a criminal. That I was no good. I wanted them to hate the thought of me. They deserve better. Tara deserved better. She didn’t deserve the life she got with me. None of them did. I wanted them all to think I’m dead so they can have a chance. ”
“Jesus Christ. I really should run background checks on new employees.”
He lifted his eyes to look at her. She took a long pull from her beer as she stared at the floor. It felt like a weight lifted off of his shoulders. He’d never in his life said any of that out loud. Not to an outsider but it felt good to be able to speak. To say anything.
“Aubrey, nobody here can know. I didn’t come to cause trouble. I came here to start over, to lay low.”
She finally nodded after a few moments of silence. There wasn’t much she could say. He looked at her gratefully but his heart was beating out of his chest. He’d never put himself out there as far as he had with her. He’d never felt as vulnerable as he did now.
“Are the police looking for you? I can’t have a wanted criminal working at the shop.”
“No.” He shook his head.”The club was able to take care of everything back home.”
She was silent for a few more minutes, her hands still resting on his arm. She didn’t seem scared or nervous, but it was a lot to take in. He could see her trying to make sense of everything in her head. He had been the one to live it and he couldn’t make sense of it.
“What do you plan on doing now?”
“Nothing.” He lowered his head and shook it slowly. “I have nothing left.”
His life was like a movie. One full of violence and death. Looking at the man sitting in front of her today, Aubrey couldn’t see him as the killer he’d described. As the hardened criminal who had done all of those things. She couldn’t help but just sit there and stare at him. Repeating all of his words over and over in his head. How could she possibly wrap her head around all of it.
Jax had lived a whole life before coming to Maple Hill. He’d had a family. He’d been in jail. He was in charge of a dangerous biker club. He’d killed people. That’s the one thing she couldn’t get over, yet looking at this broken man – she could see how it had taken its toll on him. The worry lines on his gorgeous face. The darkened sadness behind his eyes. The numerous scars in his body that her eyes hadn’t missed.
All in all she didn’t have much choice but to believe him that it was all behind him. In the few months that he’d been here, he’d damn near drank himself to death. Maybe he was over that life. Maybe this was him reaching out for help. Some sort of branch to hang onto before he fell into a pit of self destruction. Could she possibly help him out? She had a whole town helping when Andy fell into his pit but Jax’s case was much bigger. Jax’s case was solely between him and her.
With a deep breath in, she realized she’d been staring at him but spaced out in her own thoughts that she didn’t even realize he’d been crying. Hell, she hadn’t even realized it was dark out. Instinctively she’d put her bottle down and wrapped her arms around him, tucking his head in her neck as she felt him cry harder at her comfort.
“Shh,” she hushed, running her fingers through his hair as she kissed his head. “It’ll be okay. We’ll get you through this.”
Aubrey felt him suddenly pull her up on his lap, her legs wrapping around either side of him. His arms wrapped around her body, consuming her small figure with his. She laid her head on his shoulder as he rocked them gently until Jax was out of tears. All this time she’d been so hard on him but he’d been harder on himself, punishing himself for the life he’d been born into. How could someone ever get over that?
After a while, his head finally lifted and his eyes looked into hers. He stared for a moment as if trying to find the answers in her eyes. Looking down at him she could only see that sadness radiating off of him. Before she knew it, his lips were on hers again, giving her a soft needing kiss and she couldn’t help but return it. Her hands rested on his cheeks as his tongue caressed hers. The feel of his rough hands moving down her sides drove her crazy as they pulled her closer to his bare chest.
“Jax,” she whispered against his lips, clearing her throat slowly as she pulled away. She knew his need for comfort, but this wasn’t the way. “I can’t say that I understand, but I can say that you’ll be okay..”
“It doesn’t matter what I do anymore.. Just as long as those kids live the life Tara wanted them to.”
He hung his head, resting it on her shoulder and she felt her eyes well up for him. She could hear the truth behind them. He genuinely didn’t care what was left of him anymore. Biting her lip, she ran her fingers over the letters of the tattoo on his bare back. It was depressing to hear a man in his prime talking like this. He still had so much life to live and he wasn’t even interested in it anymore.
“Come on.” She stood up slowly. “Let’s get you some fresh clothes, you could take a nap at my house. Get some real rest. We can talk about this later.”
He looked up at her for a moment as she held out her hands. She couldn’t imagine what was going on in his head, but his self destruction wasn’t a way to live. No matter how many wrongs you go through in life, no one deserved to feel like this. There were so many questions left unanswered but now wasn’t the time for that. She could see that it took a lot out of him just to tell her that. Anything more might break him. So she took his hand after he accepted and helped him up, watched as he went back into the bathroom to put on the rest of his clothes, before walking to her car to meet up with him.
Jax opened his eyes. He was tucked into bed. Aubrey’s bed. The sheets smelled of her perfume. Flowery and sweet. He didn’t think he was that tired. Didn’t even think he could sleep like he just had. It’d been months since he could. He was slowly imploding with every day he’d held that inside of him. Hiding everything about himself. The sense of relief he got from even saying that to one person made all the difference. She handled it better than expected. Better than he thought anyone would expect it. Maybe it just hadn’t hit her yet. Maybe once it did – she’d freak out and never want anything to do with him anymore. He’d have to leave town and start all over somewhere else. Somewhere where nobody would even give him a second look. He didn’t know if he had that in him again. He didn’t want to have it in him again. With a heavy sigh, he looked at the empty side of the bed. He’d grown so tired of seeing it but he couldn’t imagine having anyone that would fill it.
Yes he could. He could see Aubrey filling it. Strangely. He’d dreamt of her sleepy hair, laid over the pillow. Her face peacefully dreaming as she curled into his side. He didn’t know what the possibility of that would be now that she knew all of that. He didn’t deserve her either. She deserved someone with a fresh life. A normal life. Not someone with kids and a criminal background. A murderer. A monster. That’s not what she needed.
Stepping off of the bed slowly, he saw a post it note on the nightstand. “Going to wrap up at the shop. Food in the oven. Make yourself at home.” His eyes shifted to the clock, 10:42pm. It was later than she’d usually stay but he could only imagine the mess she’d have to deal with after tending to him all day. She’d even taken the time to cook?
Making his way to the kitchen, he took the time to look through pictures on her wall. They were mostly of her and Andy. Some from her childhood. Aubrey was a cute kid. Definitely grew into her teeth. He chuckled to himself before walking into the kitchen to check her oven. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and baked Mac and cheese. He was in love. Jax rummaged through her cabinets until he found a plate and made one for, heating it up in the microwave before sitting down to eat it slowly.
The door opened a few minutes later and he heard footsteps coming his way. He leaned forward to see Aubrey walking in, leaving her purse by the front door before she huffed out an irritated breath and entered the kitchen.
“Oh good, you’re awake.”
She said after spotting him stuffing his face. He could see she wasn’t looking like herself. She was drained. It must have been a lot for her to take in. Without a word, she filled a plate for herself and put it in the microwave. Leaning forward with her arms in the counter she blankly stared at the turning plate.
“Look Aub, this was a lot to put on you. I’m sorry.”
He began but she still didn’t say a word, just grabbed her plate and a beer from the fridge before sitting down next to him au the table. Popping open the bottle she took a huge swig before leaning back in her seat and looking at him for a moment.
“That’s not it, Jax.” She blew out a breath and took another pull from her beer. “I just don’t know how to take all of this. I mean, you need help. I want to help you because no matter what you’ve done – what you’ve been through – I know you have a good heart. I just… I need to wrap my mind around everything you’ve told me.”
He hung his head as she spoke. He didn’t need help. He needed to be left alone for the rest of his life, but he understood the need for time. She was associating with a criminal. A murder of all things. How does someone so easily get over knowing any of that. One thing he did know was that he didn’t want to lose whatever type of relationship he had with her. With any of these people. They’d all been so good to him and even now that Aubrey knew, she was still here. Still trying to help him.