2 years ago:

 

The sounds of country music filled the house as you got ready for the day. After brewing a pot of coffee, you danced your way to the bathroom, hips swaying side to side to Luke Bryan. You pause just enough to put some toothpaste on your brush before brushing your teeth to the rhythm. Letting down your hair with your free hand, you catch a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror and a warm blush crept across your cheeks.  Your hazel eyes still glazed from lack of sleep, a trail of hickies left along your collarbone, and long brown hair hanging over your shoulders in frizzy waves from late night love-making in the heat of a the summer. You coyly bite your bottom lip as thoughts of the previous night fill your mind.

 

Large heavily tattooed arms soon wrapped around your slim waist as you got the shower ready. They pulled you close, moving your body effortlessly to the beat of the music as they eased your clothes off. Facial hair tickled the back of your neck as soft lips made their way up to your ear, biting it ever so gently before you were spun around and lifted up onto the sink. His enormous 6’3 figure towered over you even then.

 

His smile melted your heart as he cupped your cheeks to pull you in for a passionate kiss. Your arms wrap around his neck, fingers gently curling themselves into his shoulder length hair. You give it a playful tug that earned a sexy growl from deep in his throat. His eyes met yours and you couldn’t help but giggle nervously under the weight of his stare causing all sexual tention to break as he started laughing. After 6 years together, he still had the ability to make you feel like a 16 year old girl having her first crush and he took advantage of that every change he got.

 

A smile pulled on your lips at the familiarity of it all. It’d been two months since Lucah had come back from Stockton and you were in absolute bliss. He was your husband, your old man, and your high school sweetheart. After being locked up for more than a year, there was no way he was leaving your arms ever again. Your caressed your best friend’s cheek as he rested his forehead against yours.

 

“I love you Natalie Barnes.” He laughed into another kiss.

 

“I love you, Lucah Barnes.”

 

---

 

 

After a morning spent in euphoric bliss, you finally made your way to the clubhouse. With it being a slow day, everyone seemed to be lounging around. There were a few hang arounds and crow eaters but it was mostly the patches hanging out. Lucah planted a kiss on your head before filing into chapel, leaving you to join the rest of the old ladies.

 

You walked over to Donna and Tara who were sitting by the bar. Donna having an early drink while Tara bottle fed Abel. Taking the stool between them, you had the croweater behind the bar grab you a beer.

 

“You have not stopped glowing since he’s been home!” Tara laughed, giving you a gentle nudge with her shoulder.

 

Laughing, you felt your cheeks turning red but all you could do was shrug. His homecoming had been like a second honeymoon. You two had never been apart longer than a few days before he was arrested. Having only been married a few months before hand, you were determined to the be perfect old lady and hold down the fort. You did that proudly and now you were getting rewarded in endless amounts of attention and affection from your old man.

 

Donna laughed, nursing her own drink. “Look at her, I betcha she ain’t gotten a wink of sleep since.”

 

“What can I say? It takes a lot to make up for an 18 month dry spell will do that to you.”

 

You defended. Your eyes caught sight of his mugshot aligned with the others on their infamous wall. God you hated that picture. Every man in the Sons of Anarchy MC had done their time for the group. They were all brothers, but once your mugshot got added to that wall, it created a deeper, unspoken bond between them. Lucah had been so proud to have his added on their. It was like another patch was added to his cutt.

 

He’d been part of the motorcycle group before you two had even started dating. He looked and played the part well. Aside from his height, he was physically fit, rock hard abs, chiseled facial features hidden by a thick beards and and long hair. Tattoos covered 90% percent of his body and your name was proudly added into that mix. Despite his rough appearance, his were what made you fall in love. You fell in love with a man that was so dangerous but so passionate about everything he did in life.

 

From his club to his personal life, Lucah put 100 % into being there. He took you from the safety of your own home and into a life that you’d only seen in movies. Surrounded by violence, drugs, guns, gangs, clubs. It had it’s own rules and dealt with it’s own kind. You blindly followed him into it, fitting into their world seamlessly just to be with him. There were no doubts in your mind that you made the right choice all those years ago. And it all started with one charming wink from those beautiful green eyes.

 

He’d introduced you to his “family” almost immediately. You had known about the Sons. Hell everyone knew. You had heard what they did and who they were, but all of that changed when he invited you to a family dinner at Gemma Teller’s house. You remembered how sweaty you’d been, nervously fidgeting the whole ride over with Lucah repeatedly telling you that you’d do fine. When those doors finally swung open and Gemma welcomed you into her home with open arms, you believed him. This place had been your family ever since. You had learned the ins and outs of the club life and took your place behind your Old Man.

 

“So Abel had his first regular check up today.” Tara continued on with the conversation. “Doctor says he’s doing great. His weight is normal, his blood tests were all okay.”

 

“That’s such a relief.” Donna added. “When Ellie was born they kept saying she was too small for her size and now look at her.”

 

“It’s just good to see him having a normal life. Poor kid went through hell his first few months.” You smiled down at the toddler, rubbing his belly softly as he giggled.

 

The doors of the Chapel soon opened. The men flowing back into the main room. Jax, Opie, and Lucah came over, throwing their arms over their respective Old ladies. You leaned back against Lucah, taking in the comfort he provided so well while he took the beer bottle from your hand, taking a long pull.

 

Ruckus behind you caught your attention and the 6 of you turned to see Tig fighting with Kozik again. Ever since Kozik’s return from Tacoma, those two had been down each other’s throats. Something about a dog was all you got from the conflict but it was hilarious to watch.

 

The men had gathered around enjoying the show before Clay came back in to break it up.

 

“Alright! Enough!”

 

His loud voice commanded silence as he pushed the two apart.

 

“Tig, take Lucah and Happy and head to the warehouse. Jax, Bobby, Chibs, Kozik and myself will make sure the delivery trucks get there without a hitch.”

 

The men stood straighter when Clay spoke and each nodded their head. Lucah gave you a kiss, pulling away slowly to leave you longing for more.

 

“Be safe.” You whispered. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too. I’ll see you later, beautiful.” He smirked, winking at you as he joined the rest of the men leaving the clubhouse.

 

You and the other old ladies hung around the clubhouse while you waited for them. They were only supposed to be gone an hour or two but Lucah had called her to her know there was a delay. You let the rest of the women know and it put your minds at ease.

 

Gemma started telling you all stories of how the club used to be run. The members of the first nine that she’d had the privilege of knowing. Piney had joined in. Telling you all about John Teller and how he set up the club. There was something so nostalgic about the way he spoke about the club that held you captive.

 

He soon got a phone call and got up from the table, before you knew it him and their prospect Juice were heading out with the tow truck. Gemma pressed on to get any more information from them but they just shoved passed her to go.

 

We all knew it, nothing good ever came from the tow truck being called by one of the guys.

 

More time passed before the door opened. Clay was Jax were the first to walk in. They were covered in dirt and scrapes. You saw them searching the clubhouse before their eyes landed on you. Jax’s face was immediately riddled with sadness as they approached.

 

“Nat…” Clay said as they made their way towards you.

 

You stood immediately, your heart dropping as you searched frantically through the men coming in. All of them had the same look on their face when they saw you.

 

“What?” You asked, your heart beating a million miles a minute. “Where – where is he?!”

 

He’d gotten caught again, hadn’t he? He’d gotten himself thrown in jail again? You couldn’t take that again. Not again! He’d just gotten back.

 

“Nat,” Jax said slowly. “Lucah didn’t make it. I’m sorry.”

 

You’re eyes widened but you couldn’t see anything. They instantly filled with tears and everything started moving in slow motion as you tried to process what was just said to you. Lucah didn’t make it.

 

He…he…he was dead. Lucah was dead.

 

You could see Gemma running to you as your legs gave out, sinking to your knees as you screamed out. “No!!!!”

 

Your throat hurt from the yell. Your chest heaving for air as if it was taken right out of your lungs. Your eyes blinded by the overflowing of tears streaming down your face!

 

“No! No! No!” You continued to yell, pounding your fists to the ground.

 

Gemma and Donna pulled you against them. Donna rubbing your back as you dug your face into Gemma’s neck, letting out all the energy your body had to offer.

 

How could this happen to you?! How could God let this happen to you? He brought him back just to rip him away permanently. Lucah was gone. He wasn’t coming back. You desperately hoped this was all a cruel prank. That he’d walk through those doors saying ‘gotcha!’ But you knew it in your bones that that wasn’t going to happen. Lucah didn’t make it.

 

---

 

 

You sat down at your kitchen table staring at the same piece of paper you must’ve read over a dozen times by now. People would be arriving soon but that didn’t phase you. Nothing did anymore. You simply took a pull from your cigarette and reread the words on the page. Pregnant. You were a 24 year old pregnant widow.

 

Lucah always wanted a baby. He would’ve been so excited to find this out. If you had gotten the letter just a few days sooner he would’ve known. He would’ve been such a great father. Now he’s never get that chance.

 

The sound of a car honking outside let you know that it was time to go. You stood, putting out the cigarette in your hand and taking one last look in the mirror. You wore all black today. The dress you had on wasn’t low cut, or too short. It clung to your curves appropriately, accentuating your long legs in your pointed toe black heels. You had done your makeup soft and subtle, just enough to hide the paleness of your skin from lack of sleep and proper meals. You had let your hair down, parted to the side with your bangs swept behind your ear. You couldn’t think to put a lot of effort into the way you looked. There wasn’t a need to impress anyone or anything anymore.

 

Today was his funeral. It would be the first day you’d left the house since getting the news that he was dead. The funeral had been arranged by Gemma and the guests had been invited by the men. Hundreds of Sons would be showing up today. All from different charters and different states. All those men that loved and cared for him deeply, just not enough to keep him alive.

 

You took in a deep breath, finding yourself resenting the club more and more as you took time to process everything. They were the reason he was dead. They were the ones that sent him out there to get killed. They were the reason he was no longer with you.

 

The car honked again and you grabbed your oversized sunglasses, pulling them over your eyes as you made your way out. Gemma, Tara, and Donna would be riding with you to the cemetery, followed by a brigade of bikes.

 

As the car pulled up, you steps out to see the endless rows of motorcycles surrounding the  area to show their respects. Lucah didn’t have any real family, his dad naked when he was born and his mom had died of a heroin overdose when he was only 6. The system had raised him until he was welcomed into this family. These men here were his brothers and despite the resentment you felt in your heart, today only, you would respect them as such.

 

Gemma stood by your side, linking her arm in yours to hold you close as you made your way through the crowd. Tara and Donna followed closely behind with the kids. Other old ladies offering you words of encouragement, their old men offering condolences as you walked to the chairs set up by his casket and sat down.

 

You felt Gemma’s hand rubbing up and down your arm for support but you couldn’t rip your eyes away from the casket. It all felt so surreal. The guys had been the pallbearers for him, just how he would’ve wanted. He was getting a hero’s goodbye. The priest’s speech came to an end and they started bringing down the coffin. The strong urge to jump in the with it came over you but you stood your ground. You had to hold it together. If not for yourself then for him.

 

People tried to talk to you after but you had gone numb. There’s something that breaks inside of you when you get hit with the finality of your loved one’s casket being lowered. While at first you may still be hanging on to hope that this was all one dick dream, once you are that coffin go down, it makes it all so real. You couldn’t speak. You couldn’t breath. All you could do was stare blankly at the giant hole that would be your husband’s new home. The girls did a good job deflecting questions and comments away from you and for that you were grateful. You didn’t know how this would’ve turned out had you been by yourself.

 

The crowd ended up moving to the clubhouse. Food and drinks were served there for everyone to pay their respects. They spoke about their memories of him, each of them recounting their specific bonds. Lucah read the same with everyone. Good spirited. Light hearted. A great friend and ally to anyone he came across, but above all of that he was fiercely loyal to his club and it showed.

 

“Hey, Nat.”

 

You felt a soft hand on your shoulder and looked to see Tig. His eyes glazed from tears for his fallen brother. He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you into his side for comfort

 

“How are you holding up?”

 

You returned your gaze to the bonfire and shrugged your shoulders. How does one hold up in these situations? You had known the risks of this life style. You had comforted other women who had lost their old men, but not once did you think that it’d be you.

 

Lucah was invincible in your eyes. Nothing ever seemed to hurt him bad enough to wipe the smile on his face. He could make light of any situation. He was always laughing and making jokes and would go to the ends of the earth for his family and his club. He was solid and strong. But even he was no match for a bullet through the heart.

 

You had no answer for Tig. You had no answer for anyone. Instead you pulled away from his embrace and headed inside. By this time of night, it had been less about honoring Lucah and more about getting drunk and partying. You grabbed a bottle of Jack from behind the bar and made your way to the roof.

 

Taking a long pull from the bottle you walked to the edge and watched the madness. They got to go on with their lives while yours now remained on hold. It would never be the same again. To them Lucah was just another member joining the countless others who had fallen for the Sons. To you, he was your whole life.

 

Your hands felt the crumpled paper you had shoved in your pocket this morning and pulled it back out. Reading it over and over again, you climbed up on the ledge, walking along it slowly as you took another pull from the bottle. There was no reason to live if Lucah wasn’t around. You couldn’t raise this child by yourself. You were now only half a person. You couldn’t possibly love again. Your heart couldn’t take it. You wobbled slightly on the ledge as you closed your eyes, ready to let yourself fall but you were ripped away by two sets of arms.

 

You fell back into Jax and Kozik, both of them holding you tightly against him. By now the rest of the club had come up. You sank into Jax’s arms and cried. You cried as if your heart was being shredded from the inside. Emotional pain poured out from your every pore. From your mouth came a cry so raw that even the eyes of those around you had become wet with tears. The whole world had vanished for you. Now all that was left was enough pain to break you. Enough pain to change you beyond recognition.

 

Jax handed you over to Kozik and with a touch so gentle, he buried your face into his neck, letting you pour out your soul, stroking your hair back, while Jax took the paper from your hand. He looked it over, taking a second to look at you, before looking at everyone.

 

“She’s pregnant.”

 

“Jesus Christ.” You heard Gemma mutter, “Let’s bring her downstairs, get her cleaned up.”

 

You felt Kozik lift you up off the ground, your head resting into his chest but the smell of leather and cologne brought you just as much pain as it did comfort. Lucah always smelled like this. Always smelled of his leather cut that never came off his back. It was one that took adjusting to but you’d grown to love it as apart of him. Now even that was gone.

 

You were sat down on a chair in the clubhouse, the guys cleared out the whole bar. You watched everything in a haze as you struggled to sit up. Tara sat next to you, wiping your tears with a warm wet cloth while you laid your head on Donna’s shoulder. You could hear chattering behind you but you lacked the energy to turn around.

 

Gemma came eventually, placing her hands on both your shoulders to steady you and lowering herself to meet you at eye level.

 

“What were you thinking, sweetheart. You think Lucah would’ve wanted you to jump? To kill yourself and his baby?”

 

Her tone only made you angry. You knew how against suicide this whole club was, how it showed weakness, but how dare she?

 

“You don’t get it!” You yelled with a surprising burst of energy that surprised you and everyone else. “I have nothing! I have no job, I have no skills, I have no old man. How am I supposed to take care of this kid? How am I supposed to live knowing Lucah would never know his kid?! How am I supposed to live without him!?”

 

It was more than just crying at this point, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope. You looked between Gemma’s eyes and knew she understood.
“You have to be strong for him, baby. You’re not alone in this. Regardless of Lucah not being with us anymore, you are our family. You will always have a place in this club. You can work for me at the garage, I’ll pay you more than enough.”

 

“The club will cover the remaining cost of the mortgage on your house. The least we can do for Lucah is make sure his family is taken care of.” Clay stepped up, putting a hand on Gemma’s back.

 

“We’ll help you with the kid. Anything you need. We’re here, Nat.” Jax nodded.

 

Gemma rubbed your cheek. “Lucah may not be around anymore, but he’ll be watching over you. Over all of us. He would want you to live.”