Your eyes opened, painstakingly slow today, tears already flooding their way out. A heavy lump sat on your chest, blocking your airway from breathing properly. You could feel his presence in the room, more so today than any other and it made it hard to drag yourself out of bed. If it were up to you, you’d hide under the covers all day, loathing your life without him there, but the crying toddler in the next room had other plans in mind. He was the only reason you hadn’t offed yourself the day you found out about your Old Man getting killed.
Lucah had been killed two years ago to this day. After 6 years and a beautiful son together, he was gone. Just like that. The man you thought to be so solid and strong, taken out by a bullet to the heart. Nobody saw it coming. You were well aware of the dangers that came with this life. You’d comforted many other women over the losses of their men. And even though you were terrified every time he walked out of those doors, you never thought that it would happen.
You pulled yourself together, fed Bentley, showered and head out the door to drop him off at your mothers before going to work at the Teller-Morrow lot. The club had accepted you from the moment Lucah brought you through those doors for the very first time and they became your family. When he passed, they all stepped up. The men were fiercely overprotective of you and Gemma had offered you a great paying job running TM. You were all but set, yet the huge hole in your heart was still there.
As you pulled into the lot, you Jen, bags in hand, getting into her car with Kozik following behind. The two of them fighting wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, lately they couldn’t be in the same room without a fight going off. This time, it seemed like Jen had had it. You rolled your eyes and parked your car right before she drove off the lot like a mad woman, leaving Kozik to scream in frustration before making his way back into the clubhouse.
Jen, like most women that get involved with a member, thought she’d get her fairytale ending. She thought she would fall for the bad boy, make him change his ways for her, and they’d ride off into the sunset. They always underestimate the commitment these men had to the club.
She seemed different at first. Tried to integrate herself into the lifestyle. She’s stuck around for a few years. The two got their names tattooed on each other. Kozik had her’s scripted across his neck, she got his crow on her lower back but like the others, once she saw what the club was all about, she made sure to distance herself.
All of this seemed so mundane to you, especially today. Since Lucah’s death, nothing seemed to phase you. Even though there was never a dull moment with the MC, your days just went by in a haze. You were known for your strength and perseverance with the club but it was easy to stay strong when you didn’t care. You often found yourself thinking that you were a bad mother to Bentley, simply for the fact that you couldn’t be there with him, in the moment. You loved your son more than anything in the world, but he was a reminder of the family that you lost. He’d never know his father. You’d never see the kind of father Lucah would have been, but in your heart you knew he’d be the best. It was shitty of you to say, but Bentley deserved so much more than you could give.
Some days, you wondered why you stuck around. Despite everything they had done to make sure you were okay, there would always be that resentment that they were the reason you’d lost your husband. To them he was one of the countless other members who had abs blood in the name of SAMCRO but to you, he was your whole life. You should’ve packed your bags and left, but you could never bring yourself to it. The club made you feel closer to him. The smell of leather, the booze, the roaring of bikes. This was Lucah. This was his home – his family.
You started your shift at the garage, managing paperwork, taking care of invoices. Gemma had let you be and the members came to give you hugs and give their condolences but you didn’t want to hear any of it. You just kept to yourself until the end of your shift and then went to the clubhouse for a well deserved drink.
The lot was nearly empty, most of the men were busy and Gemma had left earlier in the day. It was just the peace and quiet you needed. You walked into the bar and grabbed a bottle of beer, popping it open before your eyes met the wall of mugshots. Smack-dab in the middle was Lucah’s.
You loathed that picture of him, with his long brown hair, dark stubble outlining his perfect cheekbones, his eyes beaming with pride after taking a hit for the club. The memories of that day rushed over you again. You could practically hear Jax’s voice over the phone telling you that he’d been arrested. You could feel your stomach sinking the day of the hearing when you found out he’d be gone for the better part of the year. Then just a short while after that, he’d been killed in retaliation for a prison beating. You’d never even gotten to tell him you were pregnant.
You found yourself on the roof in desperate need of air before you hyperventilated.
“Jesus christ, you alright?”
The voice startled you before you turned yourself to see Kozik sitting by the ledge.
“Yeah.” You answer shortly. Walking over to the edge and staring down at the lot. The thought of jumping crossed your mind but large hands gripping your hips and pulling you away broke you out of your trance.
“Hey, you gotta be careful up here.”
You looked up to see Kozik behind you. His voice softer than before. His hands bringing a strange comfort that you hadn’t felt in so long.
“Yeah, thanks.” You pulled away again, taking a seat on the ground.
“I’m sorry about your old man.” He mumbled sitting next to you.
“I can’t imagine how hard it must be.”
“Yeah, none of you can. If any of you really gave any fucks, they wouldn’t have gotten to him.”
“Listen, you can blame them club all you want but nobody forced him to do anything. He was a grown man. He knew what he was getting into. So did you.”
You stared down at the ground at the harsh truth and sighed. Yeah, you knew the reality of it but that didn’t ease any of the pain. You turned your head to face him.
“So Jen left?”
He looked shocked at your sudden change of subject and tone before nodding. “Yeah. She said she had it.”
“Can you blame her? Watching what we go through everyday? I’m sure Gemma and I aren’t the greatest examples of the luxurious old lady life and Tara keeps trying to pull Jax out at every turn.”
“You were the perfect example of an Old Lady.” He spoke up after taking a few minutes to reflect on the weight of your words. “Not even Gemma held her old man down like you did. Lucah was a lucky man.”
You felt the tears burning your eyes again and lowered your head. Your loyalty always lied with Lucah but his was to the club, no matter what that did to your relationship.
“Shit. Don’t cry. I’m sorry.” Kozik slipped closer wrapping his arms around you.
Almost instinctively you fell into him, digging your face into his neck as the tears streamed down your face.
His strong hands ran up and down your back slowly, with no other intentions other than to comfort you. Simply holding you against him until the crying subsided.
You realized this was the most you’ve ever spoken to Kozik. Any member really other than Jax. You’d spent so long closed off from the world but they hadn’t given up on you.
Pulling away slowly, you wiped the wetness from your cheeks, taking in a deep breath before looking back at him.
“It takes a special kind of woman to do what you do. Dealing with losing your husband, taking care of your kid, coming to work and not letting it ruin you. Lucah would be proud. Every one of us have been jealous of him at one point.”
It was weird hearing talk like this. He was usually sweet with you – holding doors open, checking up on you, but you knew it took a certain kind of man to be a sergeant at arms. He had a mean streak to him like most of the guys did but his was worse. Tig and him had a twisted sense of being where their consciences were irrelevant in their decisions. They were almost heartless in a way, but seeing him tonight, comforting you with genuine care and concern, opened your eyes to a different side of him.
“Thank you.” You whispered, wrapping your arms around his neck to hug him tightly.
His warm embrace was exactly what you needed at that moment. His strong arms wrapped tightly around you, letting you be as vulnerable as you hadn’t allowed yourself to be and it was nice.
You didn’t know if this would go anywhere or if you even wanted it to, but for now, you were just going to let yourself enjoy the night.
Author’s Note: I’m sorry this is kinda sad and not of them falling madly in love or anything. I just couldn’t bring myself to rush it and I didn’t want to make this too long.
On the other hand I am liking this idea for maybe a short story? Let me know what you think!
Also, thank you guys for your patience with me! I really appreciate it. <3